The Impact of Return To Work Mandates on Relationships, Family, & Self-Care from the POV of a Relational Therapist, a Mother, a Bonus Mom, and a Fair Play Facilitator

Addressing the Work-Life Imbalance Crisis: Impacts on Our Families and Urgency for Immediate Change

** The American Work-Life Conundrum**

The American dream has morphed into a relentless work-life conundrum, leaving families in a perpetual state of imbalance. In the pursuit of survival or even "The American Dream," we’ve lost track of the ability to access what truly matters—our mental and physical health and family well-being, and simply feeling alive. As parents, the pressure to juggle outrageous work commitments with family emotional and domestic labor and responsibilities is overwhelming, leading to a societal epidemic of guilt-ridden, exhausted parents and at-risk children. Our children and future generations are the ones that will really hold the previous generation's trauma in addition to attending to their own mental health needs.

For context I am a married millennial mother and bonus- mother (my replacement word for "stepmother"). I am also a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Fair Play Facilitator, A Certified Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist, a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and a 7 Principles of Making Marriage work Facilitator. I treat couples, blended families, and individuals within these systems. My foundation lies in Psychodynamic and Humanistic Theory, Attachment Theory, and Family systems. I am currently training in EMDR.

Throughout graduate school, I worked at a Therapeutic Non-Profit Pre-School in Seattle called Childhaven, (I believe it has since closed down or been taken over by a different company), initially as a therapeutic substitute teacher, and then went on to create my own art therapy and marriage and family therapy program through internship. I was an unpaid graduate student working on Childhaven campus, and in-home with poverty stricken families and children. My clients ranged from 1 year of age - adults, as many of the families were of the foster system. Utilizing attachment theory in my work with children and parents, vastly informed my current practice in terms of how attachment spreads to every aspect of our lives. Our attachment to others is a mirror of our attachment to ourselves. A vast majority of the time, developmental and chronic relational trauma facilitates and amplifies more trauma through maladaptive coping mechanisms, and becomes generational trauma when unaddressed/ unhealed. If you don't believe me, look up a *genogram*, and fill yours in, and chart the interactions between generations of family members, and start to notice red jagged lines show up in patterns that tether from generation to generation. You'll see what I mean by generational trauma.

The population of Childhaven integrated family care for those court mandated to be there, and qualifying families stricken by addiction, poverty, and mental illness. The attachment theory came to life in being able to be a safe space for these children and families that have been overlooked by the system, forgotten by society, oppressed for generations, and living in conditions that were barely survivable. For many of the children, their therapeutic teacher and co-teachers were the only safe space and/or safe person or people they experienced ever in their lives, and same for the parents. I saw children who were still able to have joy and hope and grow towards security based on the secure attachments they had with these teachers, including myself. Securely attached children become confident and functional adults. They will generally find and perpetuate more securely attached friendships and partnerships. Insecurely attached children may go on to compensate for the lack of safety within themselves, coping with trauma by falling into addiction, and other maladaptive defense mechanisms. For these children, relationships and connection feels un-safe, and they become wired for defense and surviving, over thriving.

To tie it all together, I started my private practice this year, finally, having been underpaid and undervalued in the system for years. In previous jobs (addiction recovery treatment, eating disorder treatment centers, general mental health care, and as an Associate MFT for a group practice) I had been paid an hourly rate that was unlivable, as is the standard for AMFT's as they tirelessly work towards finishing their 3000 hours. When I started in group practice as a pregnant person, I was only absorbing 30% of every session I held for clients. I passed my LMFT exam in California, and freed myself from the beurocratic limitations of being an Associate MFT.

When you're not living within your values you have internal war. This breaks down your systems, your mental health, and your bodily health. In Bessel Van Der Kolk's research, he describes how the body keeps the score. This means trauma and chronic stress is stored in the body, and has a huge impact on physical health. In the 2024 Innovations in Psychotherapy Conference I attended, I quote him as saying, "if you're constantly shued away than you start to feel very bad about yourself." In context, he said it while showing a video of a child craving some time and presence from his parent that was preoccupied.

**Work-life balance, American families, mental health, parental pressure**

The lack of work-life balance in America, and the rise of RTO's has dire consequences. It’s causing attachment wounds in children and contributing to a spike in mental health issues. Kids are growing up in environments where parental presence is a rarity. Instead of quality time, they experience a hurried exchange of words between parents rushing off to work. This imbalance creates an emotional void, leading to attachment issues that can affect their future relationships and their entire lives. To the bone, it affects how they feel, and what they believe about themselves. For example, when children see their parents stressed or prioritizing work over them, they start to internalize and blame themselves. When a child's foundation is based in the belief that they are not enough to be loved, seen, heard, and understood or celebrated, they can take belief with them for the rest of their lives, which as we have seen, plays out into future relationships, sabotaging themselves and fostering the inability to securely attach. This is where you get avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and even disorganized attachment. These kids are also at risk for developing mental illness, addiction, depression, anxiety, and through that, auto-immune diseases. Their overall level of functioning is compromised.

Note: if you're looking for proof, look up "ACE SCORES" you'll find research consistent with how insecure attachment correlates with mental and physical disease.

**Millennials' Financial Struggle**

Pivoting back, millennials are caught in the crossfire, having experienced 9/11, multiple recessions, a housing crisis, a pandemic, and way more systematic trauma. For people of color, women, veterans, and impoverished people, this has hit especially hard. The dream of homeownership seems increasingly out of reach for many who've bought into the system and the American Dream, that is now unattainable. We’ve worked through school, college, and grad school, yet financial stability remains elusive. For many, the only way to afford a vacation is by accruing debt, perpetuating a cycle of stress and financial insecurity.

The constant financial strain leaves little room for self-care or taking breaks. The pressure to maintain a semblance of stability is palpable, and when life throws a curveball—like a sick child—there’s no plan B. It falls upon the parent with the more "flexible" job to take time off, often leading to marital resentment and ethical dilemmas. This imbalance is not just a personal issue; it’s a systemic problem.

**The Corporate Squeeze**

Toxic corporate culture is squeezing the life out of family time. For visual effect, imagine half of a lemon being pressed and squeezed for its juice until there is nothing left but a dry rind. The rind is then discarded. This is not unlike the millennial experience in America. For many, like my husband and me, the corporate grind has obliterated our ability to tag-team parent, enjoy family dinners, or spend quality time during the week. The relentless demands of the workplace have created a hamster wheel of stress and dissatisfaction, resulting in high turnover rates and widespread depression.

To iterate the importance of family time. I'll express a widely accepted colloquialism in the mental health community, that all of my research and studies over time proves true. "The Opposite of Addiction is Connection." Think about this phrase for a second. Think of the implications and expand it outwards into society. Addiction isn't only limited to substances. It is also relevant to relationships, behaviors, and how you relate to the world. With lack of connection from caregivers at important developmental ages, children develop needs to survive vs ability to thrive. It is secure attachment via parents or caregivers that needs to be adapted consistently due to ever-changing developmental needs. Attachment needs to be actively maintained to keep a child feeling safe enough to explore their universe and world around them. It is absolutely crucial to install secure attachment in children at developmental ages so that they can develop healthily and not have to be disrupted or arrested in development by being at the mercy of the trauma of misattunement or unmet attachment needs. The absence of parental presence during formative years can lead to a host of psychological issues. Without a stable foundation, children struggle to form healthy relationships and develop a secure sense of self. The societal expectation to prioritize work over family and even the self is detrimental, not just to parents, but to the next generation.

** Attachment Theory and Gen Alpha**

Attachment theory provides crucial insights into the repercussions of our work-centric culture on Generation Alpha. Secure attachment is built through consistent mirroring, quality time, and emotional presence from caregivers. When parents are stressed, distracted, and absent, children are left to navigate their emotional landscapes alone.

The corporate message is loud and clear: Family doesn’t come first. This message devalues the time and effort we’ve invested in our careers and families, pushing us into a cycle of burnout. The result? A society where parents are stretched too thin, unable to meet both professional and personal commitments.

To zoom back out, the economic landscape for millennials is bleak. While previous generations may have lived paycheck to paycheck, today’s millennials face a different reality. The lack of time for family and self-care is eroding relationships, contributing to high divorce rates and dissatisfaction.

** The Fair Play Perspective on Sexism**

The Fair Play approach highlights the systemic sexism embedded in workplace and domestic life dynamics. Women are often "she-faulted," bearing the brunt of domestic responsibilities, while balancing professional roles. Women traditionally are expected to be responsible for the emotional and invisible labor of parenting and domestic maintenance. During the Covid - 19 Pandemic, many families developed a new a improved family balance that challenged traditional gender roles and domestic roles. Both parents working from home gave many women and men a sense of newfound family life, and a more balanced way of running the household. Many men were now expected to step into active parenting roles, and were actually loving being around their children more often. (This is not to say that the pandemic didn't also have it's parenting challenges including stepping into teaching roles, and having expectation to continue working and parenting at the same time.) However, years after the pandemic, historical sexism and oppression is experiencing a resurgence, with politics further restricting women's human, fundamental, and bodily rights. Moreover, threatening women's ability to thrive in their careers. The "She-fault" is coming back and having a detrimental affect on women, men, families, marriages, and general society.

The return to office mandates exacerbate these issues, forcing women to make impossible choices between career and family, not to mention self-care. Society's expectation for women to prioritize others' needs over their own fuels mental health crises, leading to increased rates of domestic violence, suicide, and divorce.

**Women and The Martyrdom Trap**

Women are caught in a martyrdom trap, sacrificing their well-being for the sake of family and societal expectations. This self-destructive cycle has far-reaching implications, contributing to chronic physical and mental health issues. The expectation for women to care for others before themselves is a societal relic that must be dismantled. The oppressed are the backbone of society, and with the grinding down of the oppressed, society will crumble.

In my practice, I witness firsthand, the toll this takes on women, chronically. The societal pressure to prioritize economic, domestic labor, and societal demands over self-care leaves women vulnerable to burnout and resentment as well as chronic illness. This expectation extends and contributes directly to crumbling family life, marital issues, parenting breakdown, and behavioral issues and general mental health in children. It's time to challenge these outdated norms and advocate for change. Eve Rodsky and Fair Play speaks to women giving themselves permission to care for themselves, which is why the value of this method can bring on big changes. Fair Play also extends to men's mental health, physical health, sense of self, and self worth.

**The Man Box and Men's Mental Health**

The "man box" perpetuates rigid societal expectations for men, stunting their emotional growth. Men are pressured to conform to traditional roles, limiting their ability to be balanced and build a multi-dimensional and unique sense of self. Societal oppression and expectation to solely act as a provider also limits men from learning how to and being able to feel safe in expressing a full range of emotions. This entrapment is detrimental to men's mental health and family dynamics.

Men are expected to be providers, yet post- Covid they’re increasingly called upon for parenting and domestic duties that they have never been expected to fulfill previously in pop-culture society. The pressure from both home and work creates an unsustainable and impossible situation. Allowing men the freedom to explore their role and value within the home benefits not only them but their families, and especially their children.

** The Importance of Male Presence at Home**

Research by John and Julie Gottman, a (few of my personal heroes) underscores the importance of a male presence in the home. Emotionally available fathers contribute to their children's sense of safety and well-being. Fathers play a crucial role in teaching sons how to relate safely with others and models to daughters what a safe male looks like.

When men are present in the home and with their partners and children, it fulfills critical attachment needs for children. This presence mitigates future relational dysfunction and promotes emotional intelligence. Society must recognize the value of allowing men to be active participants in family life.

Men and women alike feel trapped in a system that doesn’t serve them. The demands of the workplace and home life are increasingly incompatible, leaving little room for personal growth or fulfillment, not to mention manage self care and care for children. The current economic climate demands a reevaluation of our priorities.

** Advocating for Change**

The work-life imbalance is a societal issue that requires urgent attention. We need systemic changes that prioritize family well-being over corporate interests. Fair Play provides a framework for making invisible labor visible, advocating for shared responsibilities, and promoting mental health for both men and women, which is one of the many reasons that I invested in Facilitator Training. Not only did I see the value in this book/ documentary/ method for myself, but I saw a great need for it in regards to my latch-key and millennial couples clients.

As a therapist, I see firsthand the impact of these societal pressures on individuals and families. It’s time for a shift—a collective movement towards a more balanced, inclusive, and compassionate society. Only then can we hope to create a future where families thrive.

**The Surgeon General’s Warning**

Recently, the surgeon general has issued a warning regarding the toxic stress that modern parenting and work-life imbalance can impose on families. This toxic stress is not just a buzzword; it is a real threat to the well-being of both parents and children and society as a whole. The relentless demands and lack of support systems, and connection and community (due to extreme demands of work, and RTO's) can lead to chronic stress conditions, impacting physical health, mental stability, and family cohesion.

Taking this warning seriously is crucial for advocating policy changes and fostering environments where families can flourish without the constant overshadowing of stress. We need actionable steps to address these issues head-on, ensuring that work-life balance is not just an ideal but a reality for all families. We need adequate time for self care, community, fun, family time, and to live. Children, Women, Men, Community, Caregivers, and Family absolutely matter. Living a life congruent with your values directly contributes to life satisfaction and feeling fulfilled. We need to go from surviving to thriving.

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