Strengthening Couples Therapy: Utilizing Gottman Method Therapy and The Fair Play Method

In the realm of couples therapy, creating a foundation of trust and commitment is paramount. As a Level 2 Certified Gottman Method Therapist, A 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work Facilitator, and a newly Certified FairPlay Facilitator, I have found that weaving these two methods together can deeply strengthen therapeutic practices, making space for deep issues to be addressed while growing foundational elements like trust and commitment.

The Gottman Method, renowned for its "Sound Relationship House" concept, emphasizes trust and commitment as its two foundational pillars. It provides a roadmap for couples to navigate relational challenges, fostering open communication and emotional intimacy. This method offers practical tools for enhancing relationship satisfaction, focusing on building positive interactions and managing conflicts effectively.

Complementing this, the Fair Play Method, developed by Eve Rodsky, introduces a revolutionary approach to household management equitably, parenting, and relationship dynamics. Moreover, the unlearning of gendered toxic time messages, and the adoption of all time viewed as equal by both partners of the couple. Fair Play utilizes a card deck system, promoting equitable distribution of domestic responsibilities through the "CPE" framework—Conception, Planning, Execution. Couples mutually agree on the ownership of each task, understanding the importance behind it, and commit to seeing it through from start to finish. This process not only builds trust and commitment but also enhances communication skills, making room for self-care and relationship growth.

As a Fair Play Facilitator, I guide couples through the Fair Play card deck, helping them navigate and challenge traditional gender roles, such as the "man box," which confines men to singular roles, and the "she-fault," where women bear the brunt of invisible labor. In my practice I have noticed an increasing trend of women feeling burnt- out, isolated, lonely, and under appreciated. These issues are causing couples chasms that erode even more over time if unaddressed, leading to separation and divorce. There is now a tangible vocabulary (Thank you Eve!) for the struggles my female couples clients have been describing. Invisible labor (daily tasks that partners and family members take for granted like refilling household essentials, scheduling appointments etc.), emotional labor (kin-keeping, attending to children's emotional needs, attending to the needs of the romantic relationship, etc.), and "she-fault." (The she-fault is based in the toxic time message that a woman's time is less important than the partner's. For example, a partner may be she-faulted if a child becomes sick, and somebody has to stay home to look after the child, or even she fault herself by figuring she will get something done start to finish in the most efficient way, but then will burn out having no time for herself). But now there is another way to approach invisible and emotional labor. M

aking these invisible dynamics visible, couples can better manage household tasks and understand the significance of each card. This understanding fosters a sense of being seen and heard, creating a profoundly connective and healing experience.

One of the keys of Fair Play is that it is not only for the women, but it is equally geared towards freeing men from the one-dimensional provider role, and opening up the idea of self exploration and fulfillment within domestic and parenting roles. Complimentary to the deconstruction of the "man box," The Gottmans have actually published much research regarding how much children actually benefit greatly from emotionally present fathers taking part in active parenting. The results of the research show that emotionally present and regulated fathers have a hugely positive effect on children's levels of confidence, and feelings of safety. Research shows that a father's involvement can significantly influence a child's emotional intelligence development, particularly in areas like empathy and social skills. This is just one of the possible benefits for deconstruction of "the man box." More benefits include men's ability to discover multi-dimensionality within their sense of self. This includes space to be able to participate in new interests, time to be emotionally present for their partner, and self discovery that was before oppressed by the limitations of the "man box." Couples can benefit from breaking down traditional roles and associated barriers that aren't fitting with the reality of socio- economics for parents in America.

The Fair Play Method encourages couples to establish a "mutual MSC" (Minimum Standard of Care), an exercise in mutual understanding and attunement. This approach allows partners to take turns giving and receiving feedback, working towards a middle ground that meets both parties' needs. Attunement and turn taking are also both staple interventions in Gottman Method Couples Therapy that enhance intimacy, and sustainability within relationships. The practice of negotiating the MSC of tasks within the household reflects the Gottman Method practices of turn taking, active listening, mutual empathy, and attunement. In today's demanding corporate culture, these methods facilitate efficient communication, task organization, and role definition, bridging communication gaps and prioritizing relationship health.

I encourage my clients to hold regular check-ins, whether weekly or bi-monthly, to reassess the distribution of cards and discuss what is working and what isn't. These conversations are not only a practice in task management but also a time dedicated to the couple, essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. The Gottman's also encourage couples to take regular time to discuss the status of the relationship, and this is a practice in that.

Integrating the Gottman and FairPlay Methods in therapy not only strengthens my practice but also makes space for addressing deeper emotional issues, such as trauma, and family of origin issues. By building a strong foundation of trust and commitment, couples can navigate their challenges with resilience and understanding, leading to a thriving relationship. As a mother, a step mother, a wife, a business owner, and a therapist, I utilize principles from these invaluable methods in my own life, and I can tell you, mindfully utilizing these tools and skills can greatly increase trust, intimacy, and efficiency in the household in order to give each parent some "unicorn space" - or As Eve Rodsky describes it, time for you to be an interesting person. If you're ready to explore these methods in your relationship, consider scheduling a session to begin this transformative journey. 🧘👪📚