Embodied Shame in Men: CPTSD, Avoidant Attachment, RSD, and the Impact on Relationships.

Mens Mental Health: C-PTSD, Avoidant Attachment + Impact on Relationships

The connection between dysthymia, rejection sensitive dysphoria, mood disorders, and relationships and internalized shame in men is becoming more and more palpable in modern relationships, especially long term marriages. In my practice, I have met with many men that tend to default to shut down, or avoid instead of confrontation, connecting or communication. This post is not meant to shame, but meant to help partners and loved ones understand and empathize, so we can support men in their mental health and relationships.

Men are traditionally programmed societally to seek out threats and eliminate them. IE, kill the Sabertooth Cat and bring it home to the village to eat, and then rest until the next day. A job well done. But what happens when the new normal of society and roles call for way more than that? The new normal is requiring more from men, the new status quo in terms of society and marriage requires emotional intelligence, emotional availability, and consistent effort and initiative in terms of parenting and maintaining intimacy.

In a world where women CAN and DO slay the sabertooth cat, have the cave cleaned, and the kids asleep, and have also been able to be present for their caveman, what's a man to do? Women are needing more than bacon. Women are in deep need of quality of presence, emotional intelligence, intellectual stimulation, initiative, attunement, appreciation. This new dynamic puts a lot of pressure on men to quickly catch up emotionally, learn new skills, and create neuropathways they've never had to conceive of. It is challenging for both partners who care for each other.

However, men tend to be more sensitive to toxic shame due to the fact that they have been societally repressed emotionally, and have been shamed for emotional expression. To many men in society, the idea of masculinity is attached to tough love, lack of emotional expression, except for anger. In fact, the only emotion that men have traditionally been allowed to express IS anger, which is unilaterally limiting to both men, and for women. The societal reinforcement to repress emotion has created generations of men who suffer from shutting down in relationships, due to facilitated and reinforced avoidant, fearful and dismissive attachment styles.

Mens Mental Health CPTSD avoidant attachment relationships

In relationships, men may perceive and be incredibly hyper-vigilant to criticism. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is also facilitated by lack of emotional expression and processing. However, as humans, we are not wired to store emotion in our bodies and in fact, emotional repression can cause inflammation and disease.

Many times, if repression is an active and chronic defense mechanism for men in relationships, so is emotional reactivity and outbursts of anger, followed by bouts of regret and internalized shame. This may externally show up as avoidance or stonewalling or silent treatment. If the internal shame is unable to be acknowledged and processed, it may be projected onto the romantic partner which causes conflict, and eventually a chasm between partners if not repaired.

As it is, a vast majority of men are especially susceptible to internalized shame, high-self critic voice, and RSD, and in relationships, tend more towards avoidance, which tends to escalate the cycle and activate and escalate confirmation bias surrounding negative beliefs about the self.

Men traditionally have not had access to building emotional intelligence skills, and emotional regulation skills. Many times they have been taught to avoid, repress, and "man up and move on." Emotional expression may also have been perceived as "weakness" in some more oppressive households.

When you grow up having been ridiculed and shamed constantly, your nervous systems and body becomes hypervigilant even to perceived cues in order to cope with it. Fight or flight becomes activated when shame is even vaguely on the horizon.

Additionally, men tend to be deeply impacted by internalized shame due to high expectations in more traditional families to perform, provide, and stay stoic. Early childhood expectations to perform, and parental dynamics + attachment availability shape how boys and men see themselves and how they express themselves. If they are blueprinted to "perform" to be able to receive praise and attachment or love, they may adopt the mindset that love is transactional, and they must complete tasks in order to secure attachments. This performance based, transactional type "love" is the disconnect between the way men show up in relationships vs. value their jobs over their relationships - because they know if they perform, they'll continue the cycle of achieving the transactional love they have been taught to. This may also be a contributing factor to why baseline vulnerability is not as easily accessed, but "acts of service" shows up instead.

The "Man Box", is a deeply limited place for men to have to survive. Anything that could be potentially outside of that box could flag for threat, and avoidance of rejection. This can also be correlated with Dysthymia, and Major Depressive Disorder, and avoidant attachment in relationships.

Avoidant attachment can escalate a cycle and reinforce negative beliefs about the self.

For example, if the negative belief is, "I'm not good enough," this will create a confirmation bias of seeking instances and places where this belief seems true. If the belief feels true, and seems true in many areas of life, whether it be relationships, jobs, functioning/ etc, than it can lead to avoidance of trying out of fear of rejection, via RSD.

Avoidance means fear of rejection, which leads to more avoidance, and a very confused partner that then may seek to understand or move towards their avoidant partner. With the partner asking questions and seeking to understand, the RSD may be activated and lead to more avoidance, which then creates the self-fulfilling prophecy of not showing up for a relationship due to that fear of rejection, and perception of failure in the eyes of their partner. Internalized shame then becomes projected onto the partner, and the person that struggles with low self esteem and avoidance, only seems their shame and failures in the mirror of their partner, instead of being able to look past their own emotional experience to acknowledge their partner's bids for connection.

In my practice, I work with men to be able to build emotional regulation skills via DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) which helps with being present in the moment, regulate their emotions, and build emotional intelligence skills to create healthy lasting relationships. I also facilitate trauma-informed therapies such as attachment based, Gottman method, CBT, traditional psychotherapy and psychoanalysis with emotion focused therapy. In my practice I also focus on building a deep rapport with my male clients as to create a safe and corrective relationship with me, as I am female. Some men have never been able to have a healthy relationship with a woman in which they do not feel pressure to perform, or mask. Therapy creates a space for men to be themselves, and to practice getting comfortable in vulnerability, to heal from the trauma of societal repression, to build their own identity, and to reduce the high self critic voice that many men struggle with. My practice also includes somatic therapies as I am currently training in EMDR, and am a certified clinical trauma therapist. Part of creating a new blueprint for attachment is to clear and process past trauma, and create a new way of connecting with others based on a chosen belief system, and thus, a more cohesive identity that employs healthy coping mechanisms to be able to manage stress in life and relationships. Self compassion is also a huge part of my practice, and is hugely important for men to adopt when they start facing their inner parts, especially exiled parts that carry shame, like the inner child. Self compassion towards the self and speaking to the self kindly are among some of the emotional regulation skills that help reduce reactivity.

Mens mental health is especially important right now in American Society where traditional gender roles are becoming more irrelevant due to economic hardship, and inflation. In conclusion, Relational Therapy for men can have a huge impact on society as a whole, and boosting men's mental health may also help to reduce divorce, domestic violence, suicide (which men in their middle-late age are susceptible to), and relational dissatisfaction. Let's give men the humanity they deserve by allowing them to step into a fuller more actualized version of themselves. Support men's mental health!

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